Let me just come out and say it…. my car is a dump. The car itself is nice. It is a great running Honda Element. The car itself is advertised as the car that you can hose out like the back of a pick up truck and easily clean. But really the inside of my car looks like the back of a pick up truck that has is on its way to drop off a load of trash at the dump.
As a mom, the car is the last thing on my mind for cleaning. My toilet is cleaner than my car. My kitchen trash can is cleaner than my car. My car is a sad hunk of metal at the moment. I have been waiting and waiting, putting it off, making up excuses as to why I can’t clean or why I can’t bring it to the car wash. But the straw that broke the camels back, seeing my daughter left over smoothie spilling down the passenger floor of my car. That’s it!!!!! it is going to the car wash tomorrow! I am going to bring it to the car wash, with my head held low, with a big sad look of, “I am sorry, you need to clean my nasty dump truck of a family car”, look.
So here is my “ode to my dirty car”. Or the process of how I’ve got to my lowest of low of epic dirty car status.
Stage 1 – The car has been cleaned. I drive around town with pride. My daughter’s friends admire it and even note how wonderful it is to be in a clean car they can actually move freely around. The seats are vacuumed, there is no dust, crust, and grime anywhere. It smells like a fresh vanilla air freshener.
Stage 2 – The car has some cheerios on the floor, but that is ok. Maybe some crumbs from a snack leaked into the cracks, but whatever. Easy peasy to just sweep them out. Or if you are my children, find them and eat them. (yeah, gross, I know). There may even be a couple of left over pieces of school work that just didn’t quite make it into the house from the school pick up. Or maybe my daughter left her shoes in the car but she will grab them when she gets in the car tomorrow. No big deal, right?
Stage 3 – At this point, we have collected about 3 pairs of kids shoes in the back. Maybe a couple pairs of stinky socks from after the park play. The stacks of school work has grown to junk mail and maybe a couple empty coffee travel mugs. The snacks on the floor have been walked over, so they now have become crumbs, And in the back of the car, the stroller is full of sand from the beach. Which now means the sand is in the trunk. Along with the left over towels and beach toys that I just couldn’t deal with taking out of the car when we got back from the beach. Cause that would mean I would need to deal with them when they got out of the car. And god forbid, who has time for that?
Stage 4 – We have now entered a zone where other people comment on how dirty the car is. But that is ok, right? I try and avoid driving your work friends at lunch time, in fear of a small amount of embarrassment. But if I need to drive, I just laugh it off as you move the huge pile of shit from the passenger seat to the back. We now have a small wardrobe of shoes, socks, jackets, and maybe a stuffed animal or collection of toys in the back seat. The snacks that were once crumbs, have gotten a bit moist and are now caked into the seats. The kids have made designs on the inside of the windows with their fingers from the grime that has built up. And there is a smell coming from somewhere, that for the life of me, can not figure out what it is. But all I know is that it smells like somewhere between the cross of a rotting apple core and a crusty milk bottle the baby threw into the back of the car and I can’t find. The layer of dust is built up so thick on the dash, you can’t even see the radio screen. And basically every time you get out of the car, you think to yourself, “ok I will bring it to the car wash tomorrow”. But it never happens
Stage 5 – This is the last stage of point of no return. This is the stage where I am seriously contemplating just trading in the car for a new one, cause there is just no way it can ever look clean again. Today has been my breaking point. Today was the day where I finally threw in the towel and am going to head to the car wash tomorrow, come head or high water. I am going to bring up a trash can up to the car, and just dump everything out, cross my fingers, and hope to god that they can clean it. Today was the day that my daughter’s smoothie spilled all down the floor of the car. Today was the day that the left over life lab project, consisting of potting soil and dying seedlings, slide around the back of the car, and dumped dirt the seats where no one can reach. Today was the day that my daughter’s paperwork from school, with a required signature from me, has become so walked on, dripped on, and bent up, that I am going to pretend I never received it and hope they will just give me a new copy so I don’t look like a homeless person when I turn it in.
Today is the day that I stop being such a fucking slob and get my beautiful car back!!!!! Then tomorrow start with Stage 1 all over again.