Everyone Poops

Women can't handle pooping at work.

Women can’t handle pooping at work.

I love the book Everyone Poops. Kids get it, why don’t adult women? We all poop. Obviously it is much more pleasant to take care of business in the comforts of your own home. However sometimes when the feeling arises, you may need to “leave the kids at the pool”, or should I say, at work.  However, us women at the workplace are very finicky about pooping at work. We have an unspoken etiquette to abide by when doing our do-do at the workplace.

Today I walked into the office bathroom, only to find a small, typed note taped above the light switch saying, “Please leave the fan on, if air quality is LESS than optimal”. In other words, “if you took a shit, and it stinks, leave the fan on, so nobody else has to suffer.”

This got me thinking about all the awkward gestures we take when taking a crap at work.

Stall Selection
At our office facilities, we have two stalls in the women’s bathroom. A handicap stall and a smaller stall. When you needs to go #2, you always use the larger stall. Mainly because you can’t peek-a-boo under the wall and see who’s feet are next to you, when peeing in the smaller stall. And when you’re pooping, it is nice to know that the other potty goer can’t see that it is you stinking up the bathroom. It is such a well known fact that everyone uses the larger stall when pooping, the can of Lycol permanently has a home there.

The Stand Off
The worst is when you’re in the bathroom alone, doing your business, and along comes someone else strolling into the bathroom and parks themselves in the smaller stall next to you. You think to yourself, “ok… they’re just going to take a quick pee and be on their way. I can hold it until they leave, and then continue on my business. If it becomes an emergency, I can fart when they flush, so they can’t hear”. 

You wait, and wait, and wait. And then it becomes apparent that they are pooping too! What the hell? Don’t they know you’re next door? Maybe they didn’t hear you. So then you shift a little on the toilet or wrestle the toilet paper around, politely letting her know that you were there first and waiting for them to leave. But they don’t leave….

Now you have two options. First, just wait it out. If they’re adamant about wrapping it up before you, you can just hang out. Maybe check Twitter, read the back of the baby powder bottle (yes, someone in our office has brought their own baby powder bottle, and it lives in the big stall), or just twiddle your thumbs. Or second, you can go for it, do your business, flush, wash hands super quick, and run out of the bathroom before she even knows it was you who was “letting one go” next to her.

My husband and I always debate about farting in the office. His thought is that if you have fart at work, do it! Crop dust if you have to. Are you kidding me? Maybe it works for his silent but deadly farts. But my farts are rippers. I could never fart at work. But when you are in the bathroom, sometimes one needs to slip out. When this happens, I try and do it discretely. For example, if there is someone in the stall next to me and I feel a fart coming, I will cough at the same time as I fart. Hoping that the cough will drown out the fart. Try it next time, it works. Or at least I hope it does…

The Fake Poop. Or Bathroom Nap
I did this more when I was pregnant, but will still use this trick when I am especially tired from a long night with the baby. I will take a 10 minute cat nap in the large bathroom stall. If anyone is wondering where I am, they can just assume I am “using the facilities”. But I will sit on the toilet, put my head in my lap, and doze off for 5-10 minutes. Usually I will only do this is there is no one else in the bathroom. It just sucks when you are suddenly startled by another woman entering the bathroom. But it works for a “quicky”.

There are so many other pooping tips and quirky stories I could write about. I’m sure this will be the first of multiple poop posts. I guess with 2 kids, one of which who is still in diapers,  and the other who freely talk about her poop, I feel pretty comfortable with the subject. I mean, shit, everyone poops!



4 thoughts on “Everyone Poops

  1. Awesome! I will remember those for when I go back to work. My kid loves to talk about poop also. She makes me look at hers before she flushes. We speak freely about poop around here as well.

  2. L.o.l. This has to win an award for being painfully honest, but it’s true—we’ve all been there and thought those same things… men included.

    The only difference, of course, is that men torture each other with their farting and bathroom activity. It’s almost a bragging right. I have a boss who “crop dusts” other people’s cubes or offices and then speeds off before you notice. It’s a game to him. Still others will say, upon leaving the bathroom, “Man, I think I just dropped a few pant sizes. Seriously, I think I blew out my colon in there.”

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