And they wonder why I take anxiety meds….

It is 5:30am. The heater kicks on and the baby wakes up. I could easily use another hour of sleep. I stumble into the his room, stick a bottle in his mouth, pray he goes back to sleep, then stumble back to bed. I spoon my husband (as that is just about the extent of the action we get these days, and frankly that is just fine with me), and try to get back to sleep. As I settle into a cozy position, it happens. The cat farts… yes our cat farts. I never thought it was possible, but he does. The cat box is in our bathroom. He takes his morning shit at the same time, every morning. I lay there in bed, thinking to myself, “there is absolutely no way I am going to get out of bed to scoop the cat shit.” I would rather suffer through the smell if it means I can lay here and be cozy.

Then it happens, the anxiety kicks in. The chest tightens, the breath shortens, and the extensive list-making starts up in my head. You see, I have always been an anxious person. I have always been overly organized, type A, obsessive, etc. I have tried many different ways of relaxing to control the anxiety. But really it is the fear of lack of control that causes the anxiety in the first place.

After about 15 min of running through all the tasks I need to get done today, my daughter climbs into our bed, starts to wiggle, head butts me, and basically annoys me enough to get out of bed and start the day.

My daughter has started a morning routine about a week ago. She has a list of tasks to do in the mornings, like getting dressed, making bed, teeth, hair etc. Frankly as long as she is wearing clean underwear and shoes she can play in, I don’t care what she wears. Today she choose pj bottoms, a cotton dress that she decided to make into a skirt around her waist, a t-shirt, and sneakers. Good enough for me. Let’s go!

Today was my day to work in the classroom at her kinder class. So we dropped the baby at my moms, and were off to school. I was in charge of Life Lab today. Which I completely dropped the ball and came with half the items to complete the project. So Life Lab was out the door. After working in the class, we picked up the baby, picked up cat food, and rushed home for lunch and nap for the baby.

He went down for a nap, and I logged on to start working. You see I work 3 days in the office, and the rest at home. Which really means, I work every single day, every night, and whenever the baby sleeps or I can get in a bit here and there. Anything to make my 40 hours a week. When I work at nap time, my daughter gets to watch TV, play on the iPad, or in her room quietly. I know, I am a horrible mom to let her have “screen time” in the middle of the day, but you gotta do what you gotta do? And Frankly I can’t be up until midnight working.

After the 2 hour nap is done, we rush to swim lessons for my daughter. Sometime I am able to get in a 30 min lap swim while the baby is at the gym daycare. Sometimes I get in with both kids before her swim lesson and endure the old people yelling at me for whatever reason, even though I am abiding the rules. Last time it was because we were swimming in the middle of this old guys invisible lane.  Oh yah, good times.

After swimming, we rush to the store to pick up snack for kinder tomorrow. Yep, totally forgot we had snack assigned to us tomorrow. And headed home for a shower, dinner, and bed.

Daddy came home shortly after we did. And then the tag team starts. Dinner, shower, bottle, reading, whatever. He gets our daughter down to bed and I work on the baby. Then I get to work for another 2 hours until it is my bedtime.

You can imagine after a day like this, most mommies have a glass of wine, maybe even 2. Some may have a hit off the old bong. Some may have a session of meditation or sit in a hot tub. I would love to have wine, but it makes me sick. I would love to have a bong hit, but those days are over. And I would love to go meditate, if I didn’t have to punch into the computer and be a productive employee from 8:00-10:00pm.

So, I resort to my Lorazepam. I only take one pill maybe twice a week. It is just enough to take the edge off when I can’t calm my body and mind. No harm in that right? The little white pill that zones you out just enough, but not to the point where you can’t function. The magic pill of the modern mom. After a day like today, you can’t blame me, right?

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3 thoughts on “And they wonder why I take anxiety meds….

  1. Love the design and love your first blog! Just reading this gives me anxiety, too. I’m impressed you can manage it all! Take a deep breath. One day at a time. And I hope the blog becomes a good outlet to get all your frustrations out. We’re here for you!

  2. I love it! The details of my day are slightly different, with just my daughter who is 3 1/2 (and assorted nephews after school most of the time). But I completely identify with your feeling! I love your writing style and honesty and can’t wait to read more 🙂

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