Female balding….. I am losing my hair, and it isn’t from the stress of parenting

This is all I can think about day in and day out when I am not wearing a hair or scarf.  Image borrowed from: www.oprah.com

This is all I can think about day in and day out when I am not wearing a hat or scarf.
Image borrowed from: http://www.oprah.com

What I am about to discuss is not pleasant for me. And frankly if I were not blogging anonymously, I probably would not have the guts to discuss it.

All us women have something about our bodies that we loath. I mean shit that just drives us up the wall every time we look, think, smell, what have you. Perhaps a varicose vein popping out of your thigh, pulsating every time you run your finger over it. Maybe you have a mole that is so large, you could give it a government capitol and run election for president. Maybe you have webbed feet? I don’t know.

For me, it is my hair. You are probably saying to yourself, “What the hell is she talking about? Who cares about hair? Just get a good cut and color, and be on your way”. No…. my hair has history. My hair is my demise. My hair effects my confidence and mood every single day of my life. My hair is not only thin, I am going bald. I feel like no one really talks about female balding. If you are a man, and start to go bald, you can just shave your head, done! With women, going bald is just embarrassing and shameful.

It all started about 18 years ago. You know, when there was no electricity and we had to walk to school in our bare feet, 10 miles in the snow. Nah, just kidding. But really…. When I was 16, and sexually active, I decided to get the Depo Provera shot for birth control. It is a hormone shot you get once every 3 months that stops you from ovulating. Worst decision of my life. I was only on the shot for about 9 months. In the 9 month period, I gained weight, stopped having periods, and my hair fell out. I am talking handfuls of hair coming out at a time. It took me a while to realize it was stemming from birth control. As soon as I put two and two together, I stopped the visits to Planned Parenthood, and moved onto a diaphragm.

From age 16 until age 34 (or present day), my hair has progressively become thinner and thinner. I have tried special shampoos, vitamins, acupuncture, blood work, different hair colors, comb overs, and more. Nothing has worked. Frankly I loath when people try and give me advice about it, as I feel like I have already tried EVERYTHING!

Over the years I have gone through various fashion statements, trying to hide my thinning hair. This includes a large chair scarf collection starting in the early 2000’s. Followed by years of collecting tons of hats!

Now I pretty much wear a wide variety of hats about 5 days a week. Or if I am motivated, I will blow dry my hair, comb it over a very special way, and then put a special mineral powder makeup that covers my visible scalp line, and then hair spray it so not one bit can move at all. Even then, all day long, all I can think of, is if people are looking at my hair when they talk to me. Very distracting when you are trying to have a conversation with someone, let alone a job interview.

So now am now at a stage in my life of acceptance. I will never get a full head of hair. When I was pregnant 2 times, my hair grew back slightly, but then just fell out again once I was about 5 months post postpartum. So where do I go from here? How much hair will I lose? It is slowly getting thinner. And slowly I am getting more depressed about it.

I had this epiphany today. What if I just started wearing a wig? What if I decided to be that fashion forward girl who wore a rockin’ wig and just owned it. Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and many many more stars do it. So why not me?

Or maybe I should get a hair piece. Although I have this vision of the man who has a toupee and a monkey lands on his shoulders, takes the toupee off, and runs off, while everyone laughs at him. I just could not handle the humiliation.

What do you do when your child refuses to eat or is a picky eater?

Eat your veggies!!!! Image borrowed from: http://www.foodonthetable.com/

One thing that I have always been proud of as a parent, is that my kids are not picky eaters. They have always eaten their veggies, didn’t consume much sugar, and just had a well rounded diet. They ate consistently, ate well, and was always open to new foods.

That has all changed in the past 3 weeks. I have a 6 year old and a 21 month old. And both kids have decided that all the food they eat just doesn’t taste good. My 21 month old, I get it, he is testing his limits on what mommy will give him. He is playing with his food. You gave him bread and butter once and now he has decided that he won’t eat unless you only give him bread and butter for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Whatever…. with him, I just need to figure out how to incorporate vegetables back into his mouth and I will be satisfied as a mom. Does marinara sauce count as a veggie? In my house it does.

But my daughter is a different story. She has decided that she is a little princess and your job is to wait on her hand and foot. And if she doesn’t want what you give her to eat, she will fuck with your head and return the meal back to the kitchen, asking for something else to eat. And it is all my fault. I take full responsibility for this behavior. Now I have to figure out how to reprogram her.

You see, summer is here. And summer camp now has begun. She is expending lots of energy. According to her, an applesauce cup is enough for breakfast. A bag of fish crackers is enough for lunch. And some oranges and a string cheese is enough for dinner.

“The sandwich doesn’t have honey on it. The sandwich doesn’t have the right bread. The sandwich doesn’t have enough honey on it. The cheese wasn’t cold. The apple was yucky. I don’t like bananas now….”

This is the same girl who will down a chicken tostada at the end of the day when we treat to take out.

So after about 3 weeks of this going on, I lost it this morning. After 3 weeks of me tending to her every need by allowing her to return the food and giving her a different option, (since I am paranoid that she will die of starvation), allowing her to eat one bite and return it, I went totally bonkers and freaked out (check out that run on sentence).

It all started with instant oatmeal…. 3 mornings a week, we rush out of the house each morning with a car full of bags, laptops, lunches, backpacks, etc. We struggle to get hair and teeth brushed, beds made, get dressed, and attempt to not leave the house as if a complete tornado had just flown in. And 3 mornings a week, I have no time to put up with kids not eating breakfast or at least taking breakfast with them in the car.

Ok so the oatmeal. Rushing around this morning, mistakenly allowing the TV to be on before she had started her morning routine, she asked for oatmeal. I think to myself, Great, she wants oatmeal. That will be a great meal to last with her until lunch time while she is at summer camp playing hard. I prepare the oatmeal. I put yummy butter and milk in it. I bring it to her on the couch with a towel and a smile. She ate one bite and said, “it is yucky, I want something else”.

“Are you (fucking) kidding me, girlfriend! There are people starving in poverty that have no food. I don’t have time to make you a different meal. Why don’t I just go into your piggy bank and take a dollar out and throw it in the trash. That is what you just did by refusing to eat the oatmeal. ” (of course I communicated my frustration with throwing the f-bomb at her)

And that, my fellow mommies, is the moment of clarity for me. The moment where I realized that I was the asshole in this situation. The moment the clouds parted in sky and the light shinned directly in my eye. Then I told her, she can go in the kitchen and find herself something to eat, cause I am done.

The rest of the day, as I sat at work pretending to do my job, all I could think about was how I was going to communicate to her with this massive discussion about how she needed to eat the food that is given to her, or she will go hungry. How she will be offered food and if she refuses it and it goes in the trash, it is her loss. That I will not be her short order cook anymore. That I am disappointed that she would waste food because we should be so lucky that we have food in the first place. How it takes work to prepare a meal and it should be appreciated. I was basically going to make a big huge stink about it.

But there was no huge talk. In the end, I decided to take it meal by meal. And basically gently remind her that if she didn’t eat the food provided to her, she would not eat, and that is really too bad. I am also thinking of having her start making her own meals, help with dinner, and basically start having her learn what it takes to prepare a meal. I am not going to get mad anymore. It really just goes in one ear and out the other. But I am going to give her the freedom to learn on her own what it means to be hungry if she chooses to not eat the food that is given to her.

I really think, for whatever reason, she decided she would going to try out this power struggle with me. I believe it really it has nothing to do with food itself, but more about testing the limits. It took me 3 weeks to catch on, but I am hoping that we see a turn of events.

Now getting my toddler to eat his veggies…..

*Disclaimer…. I am living off of 5 hours of sleep and a full work day, please taking 2 hours to get the toddler to go to sleep. Pardon the miss-spelling or grammar issues.

My daughter helped me face my fear…. of public transportation

Santa Cruz Buses are Good for the Environment Too!
Image borrowed from: http://forum.bustalk.info

My 6 year old daughter has been asking me to take her on the bus for a solid 2 years now. Apparently there is something that seems glamorous about going for a ride on a huge blue box. You can see the bus stop from our living room window, so there is no hiding the bus swinging on by every hour, on the hour.

I had been avoiding taking her on the bus for 2 years now. However she gently reminded me of my promise I had made 2 years ago. I realized I had no more excuses. It was time to conqure my fear, and get my ass on that bus.

Now you may be asking yourself, “What the hell is her problem? Why would she be nervous about taking the bus?”. Well let me shed some light on the ways of my manic brain. The last time I took the bus was 20 years ago when I was 14 or 15 years old. Back then (the 90’s if you may), the only people that rode the bus were junkies, homeless, mentally disabled, and teenagers. Do you know how scary teenagers are? Fucking scary!!!! Ok, but really. The bus smelled like piss back then and had a strange dirty, sticky, vibe to it. Even as a kid, I only rode the bus maybe 1-2 times in my life. Anywhere I needed to go, I could ride my bike, walk, or get a ride. And when I was 16, and got my license, you better believe I felt too cool to ride the bus.

But here I am now, 34, and about to take my precious babies on what I thought would be cesspool of germs and goober. But my baby gets what my baby wants. (enter sarcastic tone). One fear I have is pretty logical. I was afriad I would get on the wrong bus and end up driving to Africa let alone across town. I did some research online and found our route. I also found the bus fare amount and made sure I had exact change. $2!!! What a deal!! Of course in my mind I kept thinking, “What if I don’t have enough? What if the coin gets stuck on in the machine and everyone yells at me? What if, what if?”

So we had our money, we had the time we needed meet the bus, and we had our route. We were all ready to go. So here we are at the bus stop. I had a 6 year old, a 21 month old in a sling attached to me, an umbrella stroller, a backpack, and a bag for our library books. Here we come!!! We got on the bus with flying colors. Phew! No one even yelled at me one. Go figure!

I was pleasantly surprised once we got settled in a seat and was on our way. The buses must have been remodeled somewhere in the past 20 years (Who would have thought?). The seats and floor was clean. There was no unpleasant smell. I felt comfortable and safe. There were no crazy people. Don’t get me wrong… There were people of all walks of life, shapes and sizes, etc. But mostly college students, some elderly, and lower income people. But was nice to experience a different side of life that I don’t think about on a day to day basis. And it was nice to just sit back and not have to worry about other drivers, traffic, etc. Granted it took twice as long to get to where we were going, vs driving myself. But we weren’t in a hurry and just had fun riding the bus.

Sometimes it takes our children to help push us beyond our bubble and comfort level. I certainly did not want my daughter to share in my own fears without having her experience life for herself. Most of my daily fears are not based on reality, but my own perceptions and judgements. Which isn’t healthy, but my own shit that I deal.

But that is saved for a new post. For now, all I can say is, YAH for public transportation!!!!

Getting back to basics. Dusting off the sewing machine. Sewing some kids and doll clothes.

I felt like a kid waiting for Santa this week. Amazon was shipping me 3 brand new, full color, beautiful sewing books. When they arrived, I was in heaven. I have just received:

Sewing School – 21 Sewing Projects Kids Will Love to Make
I am so excited about this book. I have been wanting to teach my daughter how to sew for some time now. She is so into fashion and creating outfits. I really think if she knew how to sew, someday she can turn her creations from paper into actual clothing pieces. This book teachers kids how to hand sew and actually make stuff that is fun.

This book has over 21 sewing projects for kids. Super fun and easy for parents or teachers to coach kids through the projects.

Sewing Clothes Kids Love – This book is amazing! You get 10 full-size patterns of the cutest kid clothes ever. My daughter loves this style. Lots of mixed patterns, extra notions of ribbon, buttons, applique, etc.

 

Sew the Contemporary Wardrobe for 18-Inch Dolls – Which ended up being more “contemporary” for clothing from the 90’s. This was a little bit of a let down. But I think I can use the patterns and put a modern touch to it. Basically the American Girl doll will have a matching wardrobe as my daughter.

Ok, back to me! Flash back to when I was a kid. My mom made tons of clothes for me. I look back at the clothes she had made and I have to laugh. They looked like I was from “Little House On The Prairie”. Not sure if that was the style she as looking for, or she was just uber conservative and secretly wanted to be apart of of compound or something.

When I was in 8th grade, I took a sewing class in Jr High School. I remember I made a purple plaid sport blazer and rocked it in the school fashion show runway. I was so proud of myself. I loved that class.

Since then, I have been sewing on and off. I have to admit, I haven’t sewn a ton of garments. Most of my sewing has been pillows, quilts, curtains, eye pillows, baby ring slings, aprons, and baby bloomers. I haven’t sewn an actual garment from a pattern for 4 years. My daughter was almost 2 years old at the time. I had this fantasy where I would sew every Halloween costume my kids would wear. Hell, my mom did it for me, and I loved it! I had the most original costumes out of all the kids in my class.

After slaving over the pattern book, I finally choose the cutest bumble bee costume for my sweet little girl. I bought all the notion details, fabric, pattern, etc (which totaled $50), and got to work. I was so proud of my hard work. I thought, “She is going to love this. How could she not think this is the best thing in the world”.

She hated it. She refused to wear it. My 23 month old little girl was scaring my emotional well being. How could she?!!! So in the end, I made her wear it, tears and all. I am such a mean mommy. But… but… but… we were a bumble bee family and if she wasn’t a bee too, it would have just f-ed up the entire theme. And I haven’t sewn a garment since.

But I am officially ready to attempt the challenge again. I am praying this time will be different. This time, she gets to pick out her own pattern, her own fabric, and she gets to help me design it along the way. Will there be bitching along the way? Probably. Will we bicker at each other and one of us will ends up storming off and slamming a door? Most likely. But dammit, we will have quality mother daughter if it kills me!

One note in closing. There is a really high chance that I may become obsessed with this and lose myself in process. If that is the case, blogging may be set aside for a little bit. Don’t worry if this happens. Knowing me, I always get super excited about a hobby, then drop it like a fly when the next best thing comes along. Take blogging for example….

Swimming, Jr Life Guards, soccer, music, theater, oh my! When extra curricular activities rule (or ruin) your life.

When my daughter was as young as 6 months old, I had her in swim classes and a community play group. When she was 1, she was in a baby sign language play class and swimming. When she was 2, she was in tumbling and swimming. Then all the while during her preschool days, we religiously went to a weekly mommy and me music class. She also did dance class and gymnastics. Phew! Once we hit preschool, we were a part of a co-op where I worked in the class once a week.

We had time back then. I only worked 20 hours a week the first year of her life. And that is with only going into the office for 3 hours a week. I worked fulltime after she was a year old, but only 2-3 days a week in the office. With her being my only child, it was easy to fit in all these extra activities. And frankly I loved it. It was fun and a great way to get both of us out of the house.

But now I have 2 kids. Not only do I have 2 kids, but my daughter is in kindergarten everyday, where I work in the class once every other week. Now you would think I would have more time with her in Kindergarten every day and working less in the class than I did when she was in preschool. But somehow it doesn’t work that way. Kindergarten is only 3.5 hours long. In that time, I grocery shop, clean house, play with the baby, get the baby to bed, and hope for 2 hours of work time before having to pick her up from school.

We have only 1 extra curricular activity at the moment, and that is swim class twice a week. So from 4:00-5:00, we are walking to the pool, she is in swim class while the baby is in the gym childcare, and I am lucky if I can swim laps for 20 min. We have been doing this routine Tues/Thurs for 5 months now. And I am pooped!!!! This week, the swim school is on vacation from the holiday. Tuesday afternoon, we played in the backyard, I cleaned the kitchen, watered the yard, slowly made dinner, watched some TV, played in my daughter’s room with her, and maybe even watched a cloud pass by. My husband came home to a calm and mellow wife. Not some spastic crazy ball of fury, trying to rush to get everything done, the kids in bed, and on the couch with my laptop working by 8:00 pm. It was heaven!!! And it made me realize, that I need a break from having to be somewhere, at the same time, twice a week, every week.

Soccer is next, coming August!

However, our little break will be short lived. School is getting out for summer in a couple of weeks, and the extra curricular activity cycle starts all over again. Jr Life Guards gets started, then soccer in August. Holy Shit!!! At least in July, we should have a little break.

There is a part of me that feels as though our children benefit from having free time. Where they can play, make up games, dig in the dirt, have alone time to explore, etc. I totally agree! I kept my daughter so busy when she was a toddler and preschooler, where she can barely play by herself these days. She has a very short attention span for playing on her own, and I blame being all up in her ass for the first years of her life.

OMG! She needs music classes now, or she will miss her window of opportunity to learn an instrument. (sarcastic tone)

There is another part of me that wants to sign my daughter up for every single extra curricular activity she shows any interest in. This way it gives her exposure to all the killer genres of hobbies available. I already know, she isn’t into gymnastics. And even though she loves to dance, she really isn’t into dance class much. I think she would love theater, and would love to get her into a theater class some day. I also would love for her to learn how to play an instrument and maybe the baseball team. Holy Shit! You would think I wouldn’t be so anal about all this, but I can’t control myself. It is like a sick disease or something. She has so much life ahead of her. Why do I need to push her to try activities that she may not have any interest in. When she hits 4th grade, she can play in the school band if she wants. They also offer a drama group at school. There is no need for me to pay money for a class across town.

Then there is my little sweet baby boy. He is 20 months old and has not taken one class in his cute little life. No swim class, no music or baby babble classes. And you know what? He is the most content little boy ever. He can sit and play on his own for hours. Ok, maybe to say hours is a bit of an overkill. But he can play on his own for at least 30 minutes. In baby time, that is like forever.

I do plan on putting him in swim lessons or maybe a mommy and me music class in the fall. But my daughter will be in 1st grade until 3:15, so it will be so much easier to manage one child’s activities at a time.

I think in the end, I need to stick with my goal of 1 extra curricular activities at a time per kid. And have periods of a break between activities to stop and smell the roses, or in this case, stop and smell the dirty dishes in the sink. We need to find a balance where myself and the kids can be home with free play, as well as hauling their asses around town for games, classes, etc. If someone has the magic cure all solution for this, please share!

I need a swagger wagon, just to haul them around to all these activities.

An open letter to all the creeps and pedophiles out there

CREEPY PEOPLE, STAY AWAY FROM MY BLOG!
Image borrowed from: http://favim.com/image/167160/

Dear Creeps and Pedophiles,

You know who you are. You are the people out there who just arrived at my blog by searching for “how to get my girlfriend to shit on my face”. Or (the worst and most disturbing one I have ever seen), “kids fuck in the ass”. You disgust me. And although I know by typing those key phrases into this post, may draw you to my blog even more, I hope you read this and never come back again. 

Ok, I know I am naive and innocent of the ways of the sick and twisted world out there. When I created this blog, and choose the name “Poop On My Hands”, it was sarcastic symbolism of all the crap us parents go through in parenting on a day to day basis. It has nothing to do with any sort of kinky fantasy you may have about someone shitting on you. Nor does it have anything to do with a woman farting in your mouth.

And to all you pedophiles out there. Stay the fuck away from my blog. If you come to my blog, I hope you hit the back button, to your search results as quickly as I hope you dick falls off someday. How dare you wake up every morning and ever think you can click a link to my blog. You are sick in the head and need serious counselling. I pray you never violate a child and act out on your mentally disturbed fantasies. And I hope you never find what you are looking for on the web and are left with the worst blue balls you have ever experienced in your life.

I blog anonymously. Quite frankly, when I see what led some people to my blog, I am so thankful I blog anonymously. I never thought in a million years, I would see the key terms people have used to come to my blog. Some days, I squint my eyes just so I can only see the stats table, vs read any key phrases that were used to get to my blog. It saddens me, makes me want to vomit in my mouth, and hurts my soul to know there are sickos out there. Some days I want to close my blog and never type another word.

But as of today, I am going to keep trucking on and blog my heart out. However, I will continue to be careful of what I say, never discussing any facts of my kids that could be used in a perverted manner. However, the next thing you know, some pervert will find my blog by searching for “girl pooping in backyard flowers”. Or some misconstrued meaning from “daughter has tantrum”.

Not Yours Truly,
Delia Fairchild

A 6 year old’s quest for an American Girl Doll, part 2

If you haven’t had a chance to read:
A 6 year old’s quest for an American Girl Doll, part 1, check it out!

After my daughter decided that chores were basically slave labor, she decided to become an entrepreneur to raise money. She created paintings and put on an art show. None of the neighborhood kids wanted to come see her art show, let alone pay actual money for the art. So that was a bust (of course I thought it was so cute, that I purchased some art). She also attempted to become a street performer and pan handle for money. Basically she came out of her room with a pretend hymn book, singing, and holding an empty egg cartoon. We enjoyed the performance, until she stopped, gave us a horrible look and said, “Don’t you know why this egg carton is here? So you can put money in it”. Well, holy duh! Of course. How could we ever miss that?

She even tried "living room" street performing for money.  Image borrowed from: http://literarysignpost.com/2012/09/01/street-performer/

She even tried “living room” street performing for money.
Image borrowed from: http://literarysignpost.com/2012/09/01/street-performer/

After trial and error, she came home from daycare one day with an epiphany. She would put on a lemonade stand. Yes! This was the answer to all she was looking for. After thinking about this for some time, I decided, yes, I can handle this. Some Kool-ade, maybe some cookies, sell them for a buck each, BAM! No….. it doesn’t work that way apparently. You have to make the lemonade from scratch. Organic preferred. And in doing some “market research”, 25 cents is pretty much the going rate for a cup lemonade. Doing the math, I realized, she would earn maybe $5.00 if she was lucky. But I was willing to give it a try.

We picked a weekend, and set a time for the lemonade stand. I game her a 2 hour window to be open for business. We picked lemons from our daycare provider’s tree, purchased poster board, cups, and some cookies, and got to work on our marketing strategy. Ok, I have to admit, I have a career in marketing. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I kinda know what I am doing when it comes to getting the word out. You just gotta blanket your target audience. Ok… I tooted!

Fresh Homemade Lemonade and Cookies. 25 cents!

It was SOOOOO hard not to want to micro manage. Of course by this time, this was MY lemonade stand in my mind, not hers. It took constant reminding, to stay in the background and gently coach the process, vs leading. I encouraged her to make a flyer and we could put it on the door steps of the homes on our street. Being that she is 6 years old, she isn’t the worlds best writer. But we worked together on what she wanted to say, I wrote it out, and she copied what I wrote and added her own flair. Apparently spider illustrations along with “Fresh Homemade Lemonade” was her marketing approach. Some words were miss spelled or missing. But you got the message from reading the flier. If anything the fact that it looks like it was written by a little kid, probably drew in more customers. It was SOOOO hard to not correct her every move. But I didn’t…. much.

By the time the lemonade stand open for business, she had left fliers with every house on our street, we put poster-board signs at the end of the street next to the bus stop, she made a hand written huge sign for her table, and I emailed our family and Kinder class, and posted it on Facebook. Overboard you may say? I think not!

Oh yeah, one last thing. She decided that we should feature face painting along with the lemonade. Which meant, mommy gets to face paint. Fun…. (that is “Fun” with a lingering sarcastic tone). But I went along with it. She also wanted to put out chairs for people to sit and enjoy their lemonade while they hung out. In the 2 hours her lemonade stand was open, she sold out of ALL the lemonade, had about 5 cookies left, and made $30!!!!! I could’t believe it. She added it to her money pile.

In doing some research, I found companies who sell clothes for the American Girl Doll for half the cost of the official brand. http://www.doll-clothes.com/ is one of them. Not having to pay so much for clothes, really helped the bottom dollar amount she would need to save.

She was convinced she had enough. I didn’t believe her, but was open to counting her money, again, so we could see how far she had to go. Low and behold, in one month’s time, she had saved a total of $100. I was shocked. You know what that means? I had to come up with my end of the bargain of matching her dollar for dollar? What the hell did I get myself into? I never thought she would be able to save that much. And in only a one month time? Really?

One thing I have to say, is that the ladies in our family have tenacious genes running through our blood. We are go-getter biatches! And we don’t work hard, we work smart. Funny how she already has figured that out. I am actually very proud of her. She put her mind to it and did it!

So today, she got to order the doll, the clothing, and the accessories she wanted. And so the waiting game starts. She better love this doll with all her heart. If I find her American Girl Doll in a pile with her other dolls, collecting dust with matted hair, in the closet, I am going to be pissed. Well, not pissed per say. I will probably just reclaim her as my own doll. I never had my own American Girl Doll. You are never too old. And technically I did pay for half of her….. I am secretly really excited for her to arrive. Does the stork bring her? She wrapped in silk when she arrives? Does heavenly light burst out of the box when you open it? I can’t wait!!!!